It's been such a long time since I posted. Jeeze. Well, everything WAS going great up until now. My boyfriend started doing things to make me sad. We've broken up a few times, but we're still together. That friend that I made decided to stop talking to me because I deserve better, which I thought if you were a friend you would stick by your other friend no matter what. All of my friends moved away, or don't hang out with me anymore. My mom can't afford this new house so I lost all of my furniture. We haven't had cable in a long time. I just miss summer so much. I'm losing everything. I am so sad. My boyfriend told me yesterday "I think the only reason you're still with me is because you have no one else." I mean it's not true. I'm with him him because I love him. But it is true that I have no one else. This is like 8th grade all over again. Why does everything keep messing up for me? As soon as I was happy everything bad happens. That's what I get for being happy.

We've had soooo many snow days. I guess that's good that I have to get up and face these people at school. We have to make up the days, and it goes into our summer, but I don't really care. I don't have friends anyway.

So, I went to take my driver's test a few days ago and my mom didn't think I was ready so she ran to the car in the middle of my test and told me to get out. So much for me being able to drive. I guess I won't get a car, or a job. I've applied at sooo many places. My life just sucks right now.

I'm so stressed about English. I still have to do my hair for tomorrow, which will take like 3 hours just to do.

wildbirds & peacedrums = super awesome band.

My throat kind of hurts too, from screaming. So, I have nothing to do on a Friday which isn't very uncommon now since school started. I find I have no more of a social life since I got a boyfriend who i hang out with everyday. I mean I love hanging out with him, but I guess I spend too much time with him and I need to balance the time I spend with my friends and my boyfriend. Well that's what my friend's told me. I don't understand though, If you like a guy why do you have to do that? Maybe distance actually does make the heart grow fonder. I think I should try it. I am too easy! Anyway, I didn't go to the homecoming game tonight, even though I was supposed to. I had told a group of friends I would meet them there, but it doesn't matter because they wouldn't pay attention to me anyway. They're not "real" friends.

I really want to see a movie tonight, but there's no one to go with and I don't have a ride. Maybe I'll go to one by myself and watch one. I hope that isn't weird. Do people go to the movies by themselves? I'm going to google it. Also is it weird to blog? This kind in my math class told people he blogs now they mock him for it. I feel sorry for him because he's actually very very funny maybe they just don't get his humor and I do. It's hilarious and I always crack up (only on the inside because if people saw me laughing they'd like mock me too). Isn't that sad that I care about that? Wow. I guess I really haven't changed.

Okay onto what I was going to say, I'm doing this very very very hard project for English. It's about allusions. We're given four allusions. Each phrase or quote is either biblical, mythological, historical, or literary. It's really hard because we cannot use the internet and only books, and we don't know which book to look in and what origin the quote or phrase or thing is. It's super duper hard. I don't understand why we can't use the internet. Like really. I know we're supposed to know how to find stuff without the internet, but we do. Isn't that what the internet is for? To find information? GAHHH. So we had 2 days in class to do it and no one is near finished. I have to go to the library on a saturday and sunday and do it! Gosh, school, I hate you.

I haven't posted in 10 weeks. I haven't looked to see what I last posted. All I have to say is that I've had the most eventful summer. I got a boyfriend, dumped in a week. Went to the mall everyday became skinny! I was so excited. I've lost a jean size. I've found a new amazing guy. Tenth grade is great. I am just loving life. I'm so glad things got so much better. Hopefully this isn't all ruined. I have a best friend now. She's amazing. She's so much like me. I am just so happy. I would go into detail but I have a project to do, that was due yesterday! I hope everyone else is having a wonderful life and if they're not, things get better. I'm so glad that I make mistakes. I'm so glad I have the ability to learn from them. I'm so glad I don't care what people think anymore. Life is just so much better without all that stuff to worry about.

Btw, I also "tried" things if you know what I mean. Only once though!

I got my first boyfriend. It lasted for two weeks. Then he broke up with me. I can't do anything right.

I feel like I should just give up on everything... What do you think?

So yesterday, I went on my first date ever with a really great guy. He was so sweet! And it wasn't at all awkward. I thought it would be EXTREMELY awkward. You know like when you're wondering when the date is gonna end because you're bright red with embarrassment? Yeah, well it wasn't like that at all. He paid for my ticket (which I thought was so sweet, but to everyone else, its what he's supposed to do. But why doe she have to? I mean really I could've paid for my own. Why does society control so much of what people do.) And he opened the door (again what I said above). He was so hilarious. I think I'm in love already! Haah.

We have a second date next weekend. :)

Oh and I found out if you're nervous, listen to Michael Jackson and it really calms you. No joke. Try PYT.

Things I've come to love:
First dates
Really sweet guys
Really cute guys
Happiness
Summer

I'm just extremely bored, and I am addicted to twitter! I just hate posting so many updates because I seem to desperate or that I have no life. *cough*

I really am just sitting here doing nothing. No one is on AIM, or MSN. Well no one that I want to talk to. No one important is on facebook. I'll just resort to texting, and listening to Beastie Boys. :X

ALSO, I really wanted to see that T-Pain and Taylor Swift thing, even though I HATE country and don't watch CMT. I didn't know Taylor could rap!

I quit Geometry Honors for summer school and went to regular geometry for summer school! I must admit, I love it. I don't have 130 problems to do every night, and I have time! THANK GOD.

HAPPY 10TH BIRTHDAY LIVE JOURNAL!

So I only seem to post here when I'm in a rut or not feeling too good. I think I'm going to try to post when I'm happy to make this journal more positive! Well right now I'm laying in bed trying to go to bed because I have to wake up at 4:30 AM. Why? SUMMER SCHOOL.

So I've aleady had a week of summer school. Geometry. Honors, geometry. I've never been good at math, and as to why my mom signed me up for HONORS is a long story.

I didn't fail math, I'm just taking it over the summer so I can be in Algebra II sophomore year. Turns out I'm doing horrible in this honors class so I'm going to switch to regular. Gah. 4 days a week, 4 hours a day of math. It is as boring as it sounds.

Good news! I met a really great guy. I'm excited. We've been talking for some days now I hope it goes well. I got a new retainer. Also my power was out for 2 days because of a Tornado that hit Tennessee! It was crazy. It was so hot! Finally when it came back on I was so glad. I will never ever take electricity for granted. How did people back then, and Amish people even survive!?

Things that I've come to like/love:
Fran's, from the Nanny, voice
The show True Blood on HBO
The band Discovery
Really bad movies

Just when my life was getting good, something bad happens. Is someone wishing this upon me? Usually when kids lose their retainers or mess up their parents give them a stern talk, or maybe a whooping. I get called "stupid bitch, ugly bitch, and dumbass motherfucker." I get yelled at in the highest tone and most times getting hit. I hate going through this. I hate crying all the time. I'm going into another depresion stage.

I know I haven't updated for a while. I doubt anyone even reads this journal, and if they did they'd be tired of me crying over silly High School problems, but hey its my personal journal and I need to vent.

So the school year is ending as badly as it started. I made friends, but I wouldn't call them real friends because we don't do anything outside of school. Or if we do, they use me just for a ride or something. Its really depressing. Really. I wish I had real friends. The thing is I started to make real friends this year, but I guess I bore them. I guess it takes a few weeks to get to actually know someone. On the note of school, we had gateways. Hopefully I passed because that would suck if I'm 9th grader again. I also have to take summer school, not because I'm failing or anything I just want to get ahead in my math. That's going to eat away my whole summer. I guess it really wouldn't matter because its not like I'm going to do anything. I have no life.

I am going to do one thing for myself over the summer and that is lose weight. I want to do that for myself and at least feel some joy.

I still haven't had a boyfriend. I feel like a nerd. I'm 15 and everone else gives out blowjobs and has sex like so many times and I've never even been kissed. I just don't understand. People tell me I'm gorgeous, though I don't see it, and I've never had a boyfriend. People tell me theya are too scared to talk to me because I'm so pretty. Maybe I'm intimidating? Who knows. And antoehr thing I don't understand is whdo y do guys always move on. I wish they would ask me out because ki am too shy.

I really wish I had friends.

Ok, so I did go somewhere. I went to the mall, and shopped around yesterday. People watched. Alone. I guess it was okay. Then I stayed home for the rest of the day, and actually had fun. I don't know how. But I did! Thanks to Twitter, and one of my semi-good friends. I just woke up not too long ago.

My house got robbed in March. Yeah, it sucks. I lost that iMac that I'd be so obsessed with. And a bunch more stuff. But I guess it was a sign for me to stop living through other things, and get up and do something. I was going to get recommended for BETA club, but I had too many absences. The three people I made for my friends don't really like me anymore.

But to add to the bright side:
I lost 7 pounds! I hope I lose more.

I'm waiting for this year to end. Blah. I need to get up out of the house and make new friends and do stuff. I guess that's what I'm going to do today. Join something, go to the movies and just talk some random person. Or go to the mall and make conversation with random strangers. Hopefully I don't get kidnapped. It's such a nice day out, I don't want me having no life to ruin it. I guess I just feel really happy that it's really nice outside. I don't know why. I don't think there's another word for it. Happy fits so perfectly. It's not too fancy. It's just simple.

I haven't posted since October. Wow. I guess since I got my new iMac in November/December, I forgot about Live Journal. Anyway, I have so much to tell you. I've made new friends, sort of. I'm still pretty lonely. I met these awesome people online. We talk about everyday. They're all super nice. I wish I knew them in real life. Oh how life sucks. But recently, I think I annoy them. I try to stay distant now.

I was thinking today about how behind I am. Most people my age have experienced with drugs or alcohol or both. I've never done either. I feel like I'm not living my teenage years to the fullest. Maybe I should try some. Maybe I shouldn't. When I tell people I've never done either, they give me the weirdest looks. Anyway the school year is almost over! We've got to choose our classes for next year. I got recommended for English Honors and Biology Honors, and I'm hopefully taking Algebra II next year with a summer school course of Geometry. Whew. I'm trying to hard so I can get into NYU come college time. I'm so ready to get out of Tennessee.

Most likely though, I might be moving to downtown. And I'll go to an all-girl's private school. I don't know how I feel about that, but my friend who goes there says it's so much more comfy. You don't have to put on makeup everyday to look good for guys and try to look fabulous everyday like we do for guys who probably don't even notice. It sounds pretty good to me.  I also dyed my hair yesterday! Well I got highlights. My hair looks so much lighter, and prettier. I think it compliments my skin tone. I also saw Confessions of a Shopaholic. I loved it. Is it bad to like movies like that? I also want to see Me and You and Everyone We Know. The trailer looks so amazing!

also... is it bad to hate Miley Cyrus?

So, it's been almost 3 months of school. Things are going fine. I'm really starting to notice how many friends I've lost and how little I've gained. I guess it's ok, but I think I have a crush on a guy who rides my bus. He's so cute, and nice, and funny. I think I may be the only one who finds him cute. I really only go for guys that people find ugly for some reason. I don't know why. I love their personalities and they are much more deep to me. Anyway, he's really nice. I hope things work out. We had a homecoming game Friday. All week was Homecoming week. Though I didn't dress up any day it was cool. Our football team won the game 30 to 7. I guess that's why our  school chose that week to have homecoming because the other school sucks so bad and so does our football team. I guess they sucked more.

I honestly think my mom is bipolar. I mean really. Her "boyfriend," I shouldn't even say boyfriend because they aren't dating anymore, dates other girls while dating others are the same time and she feels it's her duty to go around to these girls houses and tell them. She basically stalks her "boyfriend" And rides 45 minute drives just to catch him in the act. She told me she was going to end up killing him. I don't know what to do with her. She's crazy/bipolar, you name it.

Anyway, I'm going to go try to do something to make me happy. Bye.

So, I'm a freshman now. Whew, I guess. School is boring, and it sucks. Everything I've already learned. Gym is torture. I can't get out of bed my abs hurt so bad. Anyway, I found out about Lykke Li, she's good. Is it bad that I'm kind of addicted to Gossip Girl? I watched an episode not too lonng ago. Even though it's confusing as heck, I kind of like it. :S

If I were old enough, I don't know who I'd vote for. I haven't been listening to their speeches or anything. I guess I should catch up. At first I was all for Obama because he seems like he will change, but it kind of looks like he's just saying what YOUNGER people want to hear. And the current media. Since there's a lot of young peopel voting this year maybe that's why he's doing that but it seems pretty cheesy. And McCain looks as if he's trying to continue what Bush is doing. He probably isn't I just haven't read up on him and etc. Anyway, I still don't know who I would vote for. It reminds me of on the bus this black male, was saying "I'm voting for Obama because he's black." I found that to be extremely retarded. Maybe that's just me. Hopefully, America makes a good choice and doesn't vote for someone for their race, but what they have to offer and what they're going to do.

-Alexandria

All of these I have experienced.

Signs and symptoms of depression (or a depressive episode) include:

• Lasting sad, anxious, or empty mood
• Feelings of hopelessness or pessimism
• Feelings of guilt, worthlessness, or helplessness
• Loss of interest or pleasure in activities once enjoyed, including sex
• Decreased energy, a feeling of fatigue or of being “slowed down”
• Difficulty concentrating, remembering, making decisions
• Restlessness or irritability
• Sleeping too much, or can’t sleep
• Change in appetite and/or unintended weight loss or gain
• Chronic pain or other persistent bodily symptoms that are not caused by physical illness or injury
• Thoughts of death or suicide, or suicide attempts well not yet

I need help now

I guess I feel a little better now that I know someone still cares about me. If only everything will be better. Freshmen year, I'm waiting to see if you bring new hopes.

When I was 11 or 12 I felt I had a perfect life. I was a good student in school basically straight A's, I was a great kid, meaning I never talked back or anything. I was just happy. Everything was perfect even though I didn't have a perfect family. Now everything is messed up. I barely go to school anymore. I'm making D's and F's. I always talk back to my mom and tell her I hate her. I'm losing all of my friends, and the ones that do talk to me are barely my friends. I cry every night. I'm so depressed. I wish everything was as easy as before. I need help. 

I just finished reading it. All I have to say is wow though. One part that made me cry is the suicide poem:

Once on a yellow piece of paper with green lines
      he wrote a poem
And he called it "Chops"
     because that was the name of his dog
And that's what it was all about
And his teacher gave him an A
     and a gold star
And his mother hung it on the kitchen door
    and read it to his aunts
That was the year Father Tracy
   took all the kids to the zoo
And he let them sing on the bus
And his little sister was born
   with tiny toenails and no hair
And his mother and father kissed a lot
And the girl around the corner sent him a
   Valentine signed with a row of X's
   and he had to ask his father what the X's meant
And his father always tucked him in a bed at night
And was always there to do it

Once on a piece of white paper with blue lines
   he wrote a poem
And he called it "Autumn"
   because that was the name of the season
And that's what it was all about
And his teacher gave him an A
   and asked him to write more clearly
And his mother never hung it on the kitchen door
   because of it's new paint
And the kids told him
  that Father Tracy smoked cigars
And left the butts on the pews
And sometimes they burn holes
That was the year his sister got glasses
   with thick lenses and black frames
And the girl around the corner laughed
    when he asked her to go see Santa Claus
And the kids told him why
   his mother and father kissed a lot
And his father never tucked him in the bed at night
And his father got mad
    when he cried for him to do it.

Once on a paper torn from his notebook
    he wrote a poem
And he called it "Innocence: A Question"
   because that was the question about his girl
And that's what it was all about
And his professor gave him an A
   and a strange steady look
And his mother never hung it on the kitchen door
  because he never showed her
That was the year Father Tracy died
An he forgot how the end
   of Apostle's Creed went
And he caught his sister
  making out on the back porch
And his mother and father never kissed
   or even talked
And the girl around the corner
    wore too much makeup
That made him cough when he kissed her
   but he kissed her anyway
   because that was the thing to do
And at three A.M. he tucked himself into bed
   his father snoring soundly

That's why on the back of a brown paper bag
   he tried another poem
And he called it "Absolutely Nothing"
Because that's what it was really all about
And he gave himself an A
and a slash on each damned wrist
And he hung it on the bathroom door
   because this time he didn't think
   he could reach the kitchen.